Monday, June 27, 2005
when will life be too much to bear? that every second passed will bring a stab to your heart, a feeling of unspeakable pain and hurt, that finally the only option out to relieve/ release you is to be gone.
It's not fun to be teetering with these thoughts.
but i cant help it. i witnessed some girl trying to jump off the building yesterday.
First look when i saw the figure in white shirt and dark bottoms up outside, sitting gingerly on the window sill, i was fixed. immediately i wanted to touch her. to give her a hug. to ask her what has gone so wrong for her. is it really tt bad? what drove u to this? then i suddenly realised maybe what she needed was just a listening ear. someone to show her tt they care. a few times doing the period i was there, she shifted her position around the window sill. she was at the 10th floor but at the 1st floor, the civil defence had already inflated the huge yellow balloon.
it would have been pointless for her to jump. she would have lived and she would have to live with the embarrassment tt her attempt to take her own life had failed with so many people watching her. but at tt point in time, does this matter of face really occurred to her? was she attention seeking? cos i know sometimes i do tt to my parents.
is death really a last resort for many of us? on the way home, my mother talked abt how her mother wanted to end her life too because of how cancer was killing her with the pain. it was lucky tt her sister and her caught their mother in the act and stopped her. dun you get a tinge of sadness knowing this? that the only form of escapism left for them is death. and they are foregoing so many things in life. it was the same case for my mother's friend who was stricken with cancer too. they were worried tt she would do anything stupid so they moved her out of her single ward room. for us young, energetic, full of vigor teenagers, of course we would think suicide is stupid. but why are people still doing it? rejection, pain, hurt, sadness, lost, humiliation. are these the horrible emotions tt lead them to this?
i dunno what else to say.
posted at [4:32 AM]
Friday, June 24, 2005
posted at [7:55 AM]
Thursday, June 23, 2005
TRUTH.
what is the truth. one of my friends started to question truth a few days ago. im sure he didnt do tt just then. but the doubt of truth must have been on his mind for a long time already.
so really. what is truth?
is it the actual real fact? then how do u know it's real? how do u know it's not fabricated? how do you not know tt everything tt u once believed and everything tt you stood for are all fake. a lie. a big grand illusion. you dont. you cant.
some ppl say u will know and experience the truth once you meet ur maker a.k.a when u're occupying some space in some icy porcelain like jar, but how do you even know if your maker exists? cant u just die and disappear from the face of the earth? must there be a "better" place up there? down there? whichever? then who says it's a better place? what if it's not? how do you know you have a soul? how do you know tt there's God watching over you? what if the sky is really empty and there's no celestial cities up there? and what? you base it all on a thick book? of what? stories? fables? legends? fairy tales? isnt it somewhat like a history text book. and haven you heard abt history. that it's just "fables agreed upon."
www.dictionary.com sums it up the best - Truth: "Conformity to fact or actuality. "
it's a horrifying thought. human beings adapt easily. just like in 1984, oryx and crake. when you change a fact or a way of life initially, the people who were from the past usually becomes unhappy. depressed, as if something is lacking. having a missing puzzle in their lives like martha cochrene. but look at the future generations. they accepted it whole heartedly. women as mere vaginas? oh sure. my ancestors were all like tt. it's perfectly normal for me to do this.
realised what was troubling everyone in our literature text? it was their past. their memory. so much so that they lived in them while in their present lives. they dwelled too much in them. but what's wrong with tt? at least it was sth that was real. that once happened. but even that vision could get mired. life gets increasingly different tt you start to wonder if it really existed in the first place. then to pacify yourself you convince yourself that nah, life was always how it is now.
so is conforming really the easiest way out? do we really accept too many facts too readily?
but then let me put it this way. do you wanna be happy?
(let's not complicate the difference of being really happy, and looking the part of it.)
then dun question the essence of truth too much. cos if you do, everything is questionable. yes right down to what makes u think the colour green is called green? dont overdo it.
don't.
posted at [4:45 PM]
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
sitting in front of the computer,
looking out of the window,
i see daylight everywhere.
the realisation of it blows me away.
Night. Night is filled with the devils now.
how i've missed day light. bright, white and alive.
no. it's not an artificial day im looking at now.
posted at [8:08 AM]
posted at [6:24 AM]
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
it's early in the morning now. everybody's sound asleep at home. in the comfort of their beds. mid year exams start tmr for me.
haha. halfway studying with lee lian, we're wondering what the heck we are doing studying at this hour. and why the fuck we are in a JC. im back at the same cafe again. it's called "Pacific Coffee Company". i love its free internet. im pretending to look snobbish so tt the staff wun ask me to get lost for using their internet without patronising them. haha.
but at this point of time, after half a year or JC 2 has gone by, it's too late for regrets. it's really stupid burning the midnight oil huh. i think in the morning, i'll just slp away the whole day and not accomplish anything. and it'll be nobody's fault but mine.
posted at [6:55 PM]
Monday, June 20, 2005
well well well. the time now is 6.04 am. lee lian is sitting on the red couch and stoning like shit. there's sth wrong with me. i dun exactly feel sleepy. hmm. must be the great ambience. hahaha. and me imagining my dad saying sub consciously tt this location is a good place for terrorists to attack, to bomb us, to make us vanish from the surface of earth. like ta dah!!! u die.
at least i got some studying done. at this moment, at this time, maybe it's not enough. the fucking exams are like on wednesday and im so looking forward to it. i can say bye to geography already. phy geo is a disaster. with ITCZ, STJS, PF, and some other polar jet stream which i cant remember since my brain has been working overtime. and human geo. woah. with its endless case studies, im left.... speechless and action-less. and for the last day of exams, we have *drum roll... LITERATURE PAPER 1!! now lit paper 1 is usually not tt troublesome. but the thing is we have 3 texts now. so can someone tell me what to study?
oh yeah, by the way... im turning nocturnal.
*hoot
*hoot
*hoot.
(some flapping sounds)
-the end-
posted at [9:16 PM]
yesterday i went for a family bbq. hahaha. it was fun, we had everybody there, my 2nd uncle's family, my 6th auntie's family plus mine. ok not exactly everybody but we rounded up those who live in woodlands and heeded out for a good time.
it was nice cos we get to bond together again. i got to talk to the boy prodigy. abt studying and stuff. then i also got to talk to wei qi, about scuba diving, driving, and jc. surprisingly, the conversation started to flow when we talked abt JC. haha. something dreadful can be so arrestingly absorbing as a conversation topic?
well i think it was the fear tt he had and the one i have now. yeah fear is everything. fear eats u up, destroys u, consumes u, but it also bonds u with ppl. i mean i've nv talked so much to him before until yesterday. it was interesting and he's going NUS. i wanna get into NUS too. haha. i was telling him "see u next year" and his sister tt "we're going to be NUS in the same year". but she wants me to join her in engineering. like helloooo? no? you're talking to a mathethematics idiot, comatose, brain dead, person when it comes to tt subject. it's so terrifying tt now i dun even use it much. even when i go shopping, i'll just whip out my trusty hp to calculate the discounted prices. haha. no my brain wun work for math anymore.
oh yeah so back to the topic. the importance of being fat.
have u ever realise tt there's always a FAT person in every family. like in my family, im known as the fat girl cos i was in TAF in primary sch and i was really fat back then. hahaha. then even now it's still true. and im called fat everyday by my nice brother, like if there's any unfinished food, he'll go "let the fat girl eat it". then yesterday when we were packing up for the bbq, it's the same. my cousin edmund is known as the fat one. then the cousin who wanted to go to NUS engineering was known as the fat girl in her family even though she's NOT NOT NOT NOT fat. hello.. she can fit into hot short shorts. and she was telling me she need to lose weight as i tucked into my warm delicious sweet potato which is extremely sinful at such a late hour with its carbo and stuff. so it was like "yeah right. u dun have to lose weight! *bites into sweet potato * chomp chomp you're already slim enough!! *bite * chomp chomp"
yeah anyway. here's all to the fat girls! cheers =)
what's impt is not how society thinks being slim enough is. it's being comfortable with your own weight.
posted at [2:45 AM]
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
i hate bright white lights. like how they stare into your face. esp when u're trying to fall asleep (when u really should be studying) on your bed and the fucking white light just continues shining right through your closed eye lids. and when u're forced to open them at long last, the light has a jarring effect. let's just say it'll keep you wide eyed.
i cant slp tonight. it's 12.13pm. im supposed to be feeling sleepy. oh shit. i think my brain just happened to wash tt word away or sth. im quite unhappy with ch 5 today. they fucking cheated the viewers with their "Desperate Housewives Special" oh yeah. right. what special was that? that was just a freaking RE CAP. and hello. and i think mandy could have done a better recap than tt. argh. what's their fucking problem. after the show they still had the cheek to put "ONLY 4 MORE EPISODES BEFORE THE SHOW ENDS". Oh yeah. thanks. THEN WHY ARE U NOT PLAYING IT?! oh what? the final has to fall on some auspicious date? hey wanna check out an auspicious hour too? i think 3am will do fine in fact. and dun worry i think you'll get more viewers than a champion league match. ok forget it. im just ranting.
oh yeah. keeping alive now. i guess im keeping alive by fear. when u know u ought to be doing sth, but there's so many things to be done u dunno what to do! the worst thing is you know you shouldnt be here wasting your time. but nvm. you comfort yourself telling yourself that you're in a zombie mode now and you wouldnt feel bad abt this wasted time.
anyway daddy will be coming home soon. wednesday. the prodigy boy wonder will be home too. yeah everybody will be home. i miss my daddy. he's the guy who cracks us up without trying at all. he's so sweet and nice and (i miss his tummy) _______ insert any other nice synonyms. okok i also wanna look at what he got for me. lol.
ok im deviating from the real problem. you know like the coriolis force? when it deviates. at the northern hemisphere it will deviate right, and at the south, left. and when it becomes parallel to the isobars analogous to my sanity, everything will be alright.
just like the yellowcard song - "believe"
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong.
Believe.
but what if the faith runs dry? so u become wrinkled and dried while waiting for faith to get moving. like a dried up river bed? with cracks all over you. with cracks all over you.
posted at [3:48 AM]
Sunday, June 12, 2005
in my messed up room
shopping bags lay askew
papers, files, books
they all complete this wondrous picture of untidiness.
something has got to be done.
like, now??!
haha
=) im happy. dun mind me
the ghost has been exorcised.
rachel, i love u.
thank YOU.
posted at [12:48 PM]
Saturday, June 11, 2005
posted at [1:41 PM]
Saturday, June 04, 2005
this is a greatly disturbing scene. i feel like offred. with the white wings around her face to prevent her from being seen and to see but yet able to describe the world outside in detail. because she is all knowing? hmmmm.
oh well was at this place and i saw ppl not being who they were. it's so sad. they're j1 only. 2nd intake somemore. and within the 2 months look how much they've changed. their speech lingo is different and is fine tuned to the way the grp they hang out with speaks. the way they act is like them too. nth abt them is abt who they used to be anymore. and tt scene is so frightfully scary.
i dunno why people like to live their lives like tt. they are not who they are because they want to fit in. because what? it's cool? it's hip? it's the in thing? fuck all tt. go KMA or sth. what's the point of not being urself?!! you're just a walking outer shell. for show. for pleasing other people purpose. go to hell la.
there's a lot of things wrong with this human race. All of us are idiots. some ppl want to be loved so much tt they are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nice to others, in the hope tt others will be sooooooooooooooooo (it's halved if u notice. cos ppl like tt arent tt optimistic abt getting the same amt of love anyway) nice to them in return.
everyone is highly insecure nowadays.
it's all abt fitting the mould and BEING the freaking mould.
what happened to breaking the mould?
posted at [4:32 PM]
Friday, June 03, 2005
why is it tt hard to break free from being attached to sth/ someone? why will the roots grow so deep in. and when u finally pull them out it hurts and leave holes in the ground?
and what's left is the reminder tt it once exists. that unfilled, emptiness tt leaves an ache in ur heart.
see... isnt it better to be free. to not be tied down. to not have feelings for sth/ someone? so tt it prevents u from feeling anything when it's gone.
it's kinda sad. i thought i've outgrew feeling like tt. but apparently not. nostalgia is fused into the air. everyone breathes it. lives it. want an example. look at ur sms inbox. so many ppl i know keeps some msgs from long ago still. i always wonder why ppl keep so many? of long ago encouraging words, advices, special moments? so what? so tt u hope it will last forever? will keeping it make any diff? what's impt is u urself know it. read it a few times, keep it in ur heart and delete it. no use pulling at the very threads of tt msg. of cos, this is only how i feel. many many ppl keep memorable smses in their inbox and go back to reminsce abt them once in a while. nothing wrong, but i think it isnt good to hold on to something too long. when it's gone, u won't be able to take it.
haha. it's like matchbox twenty's "disease"
"keep ur distance from me, pay no attention to me, i've got a disease"
hmmm. not much sense.
posted at [4:43 PM]